At long last we suggested we "might have" the right book, if he would confide to us the nature of his complaint. To the writer it seemed as if he was weighing our offer, and so in a few moments he bluntly replied:
"Well, the old witch has me so fixed that I can't s--- (defecate) on Sundays and holidaysl"
The reply was the best of this kind that we had ever heard, but too good to laugh at in his presence.
We told him we didn't have a book that would break that "spell," but would offer a "cure" if he would promise never to tell a doctor, or a lawyer.
Then we told him that on Saturday nights, before retiring, or on the night preceding a holiday, he should take an average-size water-glass, fill it to within an inch from the top with castor oil, drink it, retire and let nature takes its course, and let the "witch" do her damndestl
-From "The Realness of Witchcraft in America."
LEARNED SOMETHING. - A Dutch farmer sent his son off to college. On graduation he jumped off the train and ran a few steps to meet his folks standing shyly in the background. His mother said: "John, I'm so proud of you; you're a college graduate now, ain't." "Ya, Mom; I'm one now," said the boy. "Well, I hope you learned A lot in the four long years you was away;" said the father. "Why Pop, you know'd when I went away to college I couldn't say norse' (North) or 'souse' (South); and now I can say 'bose- (both) of them," he replied.
A COW IS A "MAMAL." - There are some excellent essayists among the Pennsylvania Germans: Some develop while quite young. The source of the following essay would be more or less obscure, except for the subject matter and its simple analysis. We haven't learned whether the essay was composed in Snyder, Dauphin, Lebanon, Berks, Schuylkill, Lehigh, Lancaster, Montgomery, York, Northumberland or Centre County, but the kid who wrote it should have received an A plus.
Pirds and Peasts. A cow is a mamal. It has six sides, right and left, and upper and lower, and inside and out. At the pack of it it has a tail on which hanks a prush. With this prush he shoes the flies away so that they don't fall in the milk. The head is for to grow horns and so his mouth can be somewhere. The horns are to butt with and the mouth to rnoo with. It has always been that way, I think. And then under the cows hanks milk. It is all fixed nice for the milking. Now when people milk, milk comes and it don't never seem to stop (anyway thats what I think). How the cow does it I have not yet realized, but if you ever get around one you will find it makes more and more all the time. Now about the smell. The cow has a fine sense of smell and you can smell it far away. This is reason why there should be much fresh air in the country. But there isn't so much fresh air now because the city fellows came into the country long ago and pumped a lot of the best air in their automobile tires, so now we all have to get along the best we can.
A man cow is called a ox, or a oxen. Oxen is used to plow with, and to haul wagons with. Oxen is mostly a kind of mamel. There is another kind of man cow which is not so good. It is called a bull. Only Pop is better than a bull; I heard Mom says he throws the bull to much. A cow does not eat so very much, but what it eats it eats twice so that it gets enough. It has a couple of stomachs. When it is hungry it moos and when it don't say nothin at all it is because its insides are full up with grass or gas. And that is all about a cow.
WIT, OR WISDOM. - This is a simple little thing to the fellow doing it, but it was certainly an unusual proceeding so far as we were concerned the first time we saw it. A friend of ours has a wooden leg, and he makes them as needed, going out into the woods and picking his "new legs." One day he had his game leg propped up on a table. He rolled down his sock, rearranged it, pulled it up, picked up a loose carpet tack, used his heavy pocket knife for a hammer, and tacked his sock right back in place. It was the first time we ever saw a sock thus secured, but we Suppose it is commonplace to many such fellows to hold their socks up that way.
" WE DO MEAN "BEAN SOUP." - One of the greatest places of its kind in the world for good old arm style bean soup, is the an Inual affair held in September, at McClure, in west end Snyder County. A ton of beef, more or less, is chopped fine; the same amount of good soup beans, anc; fresh soda crackers make up, with good spring water, the concoction that "tastes so good." From 12 to 20 large irori kettles are constantly on the fire, men with long-handled ..spoons" constantly stirring the soup combination. A bowl of this is appetizing, and you'll often find men going after seconds and thirds, even at war-time prices. However, a Dutchman takes lots of crackers,.breaking them into powder into the rich broth, until there is no moisture left, as con- trasted to the "stylish manner" of lifting the liquid in a very graceful manner to the mouth. A stranger from Lancaster, on hearing us tell of the big time at McClure, asked. "My gosh, do you put crackers in your 'zoup?"'
Sure, don't you?" we asked him.
"No, sir; never heard of crackers," he volunteered.
"Well, what do you put in then, Dutchman?"
"Why pretzels, surely!" was his parting shot.
FINANCIER. - There was a retired farmer in an up-State Dutch county, who borrowed money from the bank at 6% and loaned it out again to others at 3%. He claimed he was making money! He was probably as much confused as you are when you try to figure out the following transaction: If you had $50 in the bank and withdrew it as follows:
$20 leaving $30
15 " 15
9 " 6
6 " 0
$50 $51
-Where does the extra dollar come from?
BOTH GOOD FIRMS. - A Dutch salesman working Lancaster County, was introduced to a farmer near New Holland. Said the farmer to the salesman:
"For who do you work?"
"Why, I work for cheeses," replied the salesman.
"Oh, you work for Christ Jesus," queried the farmer.
"No, no-I work for Kraft cheeses," corrected the salesman.
FROM THE FARM COMES WISDOM. - A young farm boy of pre-school age, saw a rooster chasing some chickens around his father's extensive poultry yard. Promptly he called out: "Hey Daddy better get the brooder ready; I think we're going to have a flock of little peepiesl"
ALWAYS DIFFERENT IN NEW YORK. - Personnel attached to a well-known New York theatrical firm were visitors in Allentown, Reading, Lancaster and Harrisburg. Near the city of Lancaster one of the pretty young "things" from New York noticed a broad-brimmed, bearded man making his way along the highway. Said she to the driver, a former newspaperman who knew his Pennsylvania Dutch, and with whom she was sitting:
"What kind of a man is he?"
"Why he is a Mennonite," replied the driver.
"What is a Mennonite?" she went on.
"Well," said the driver; "they are a sect or kind of people that wear broad-brimmed hats, sometimes big beards, and they wear broad-fall pants."
"Broad-fall pants; what are they; I never heard of any- thing like that," continued the Miss from New York.
"Broad-falls are trousers without the usual fly in the front," replied the driver.
"Oh gee," she countered; you say they call them Mennonites here in Pennsylvania-why over in New York we call them 'morphadites' (hermaphrodites)!"
THE DOCTOR AND THE DUTCHMAN.-A Dutchman called on his doctor at Shamokin, complaining of an irregular and strained feeling relative to his defecations. The doctor asked.- "Well, how do you sit-stooped over, like most others, I suppose?"
"Vell, yes," said the Dutchman, "I guess I mostly sit with my elbows resting on my legs, with my hands togetter."
"No wonder you don't get along better; sit erect and take the kink out of your back. Three dollars, please!"
The Dutchman paid, and on going outside he met a friend to whom he related how he had just come from the doctor's office, and he was mad as hell. "Imagine," he says: "the old duffer charging me three dollars to tell me bow to do my own business!"
SLIGHT UNDERSTANDING. - Two Dutchmen were sitting in a bus station in Lancaster County. Both had been there for nearly two hours, but neither spoke in all this time. One of them, on seeing the bus approaching, arose slowly from his seat, and placing his hands on his hips, said, with a note of pain in his voice, to the other:
"I am suffering from arthritis."
Why now, I'm right glad to meet you," replied the other-, "I m Stultzfuss, from New Holland."
INDIFFERENT. - A middle-aged Pennsylvania Dutch woman went into a Lebanon store to buy a pair of men's drawers. "How do you want them to button" asked the clerk "front or side?" "It don't make no differences" replied the wornan, "these are for a corpse."
UNPLEASANTNESS IN JAIL. - A woman from a larger city, arrested, tried and sentenced to jail for 30 days in a Dutch county city, called to the jailer on the morning following her imprisonment.
"Say, how long did the judge say I am to be kept here?" she asked her keeper.
"Thirty days," replied the host.
"Thirty days; hell-then I want some kotex if I have to be here that long," uttered the newcomer.
"Nothing doing, lady; you'll have shredded wheat like all the rest of them-no favorites here," said the unaccommodating Dutchman.
TWO CHURCH ALLEGIANCES. - The writer on one occasion at a meeting of men of various denominations, arose with those classifying themselves as members of the "Reformed" church; a moment later the chairman asked that "Lutherans please rise;" again the writer stood up Said the chairman- "I thought you were up a moment ago; what were you then?"
"The first time I was a Reformed, because I was born and raised that way; then I married and went to the nearest church and I became a Lutheran," was my reply.
"Well," commented the chairman, "I guess it's ok.; I always had a hunch that one had to be 'reformed' before he could become a Lutheran!"
THIS HAPPENED AT YORK. - The well-known radio program Vox Pop put on a program at York, Pennsylvania, during the war, over CBS. Friend Parks Johnson had the program well in hand when we arrived to assist in interpreting dialect, if needed. There was to be a dialect song, to be sung by a local man. As is customary, the title was to be wired to New York City for checking against the copyright. The telegraph operator objected to some extent against sending such hodgepodge stuff over the wire, part of the message being in Pennsylvania Dutch, and he thinking it might be in "spy code." Finally it was sent as written, but again at CBS in New York, there was difficulty. Their files contained nothing in Pennsylvania German (or Dutch), so the telephone wires got hot as both ends tried to get confirmations on this particular song. Finally, in desperation, the New York end told Vox Pop'er Johnson to put the Dutchman on the telephone and have him sing the song a bare five minutes in advance of the program---"Perhaps we can recognize it in some way," they said. And so it went by telephone with heaven only kno0ws how many experts" at CBS trying to identify it. At the conclusion of his singing the Dutchman (thinking it was a good audition), spoke up quickly, saying:"How was I? Good? Huh?
IF HE HAD LIVED BUT A DAY LONGER.-A York County businessman lived to reach a ripe old age. Always he had been prominent in his community, taking a leading part in every way. Fate, however, kept his name from appearing in the newspapers, something he had always hoped he could enjoy seeing-a reward for good stewardship. Late one day he died. The following day the newspapers all car- ried good-sized head lines bearing his name and splendid references to his past. His widow, having shared his hopes for some publicity while he was alive, looked at all these papers, and with tears in her eyes, said. "Ei, ei; if only Pop could have lived a day longer!"
UNDIPLOMATIC; UNETHICAL; UNREASONABLE. Too often parents and nurses "beat about the bush" too much in explaining things about life and nature, to the inquiring youngster. In one such instance the nipples on a sow were called "buttons." Subsequently a youngster who didn't know better, seeing a litter of pigs at lunch, said- "Oh, gee, gosh, mother; the little pigs are biting the buttons off the big pig!"
GOOD SALESMAN. - A salesman stopped at a small town store for tobacco. He also asked for matches. The merchant said: "There they are, all along the wall, and on the shelf-take your choice." "Gee, whiz, I'll bet you sell lots of matches," said the traveller. "Nope, I don't sell many, but the fellow who sold them to me sells a lotl"
CLEANLINESS REQUESTED. - In a toilet on the women's side of the "house," in an eating place along route 30 in Lancaster County, this notice, on the inside of the door facing the frequenter, has been called to our attention.
DURING THE WHOLE PERFORMANCE
Between Amity Hall and Liverpool, on US 15, another place is quite boldly called to your attention:
HERE IT IS; DARN IF IT AIN'T!
SPECIFIC. - Two Dutchmen sat together on a crowded Reading railroad train for nearly an hour, without a word exchanged between them. Finally the one nearest the window said to the other:
':Its a wery nice day, ain't?"
,Well, who said it ain't?" queried the other conservative.
... which was about in the same vein, wherein five Amishmen were observed in prolonged discussion in the Pennsylvania station at Harrisburg. After considerable discussion one of them stepped forward to face the others, saying: "Well, den, its agreedt wis all of us, dat we buy a one-way 'round-trip dicket to Mount Choyl"
LIGHT-HEARTED PHILOSOPHY. - During many droughts and depressions and other trying times, Pennsylvania German communities have met tests of many kinds without too much shock. The little verse appended is just about the kind of creed which makes these people happy and contented, and a comfort to each other:
Every other Bull Dog's rneat.
If you have a good-sized bone,
Let the other Dog alone.
HE WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING-A resident along the Susquehanna river near Selinsgrove disappeared from home and neighborhood, and he was unreported for weeks. One day some fishermen found his body near the shore; he had been dead, in the river, for all that time. The finders reported to the authorities and volunteered to tell the widow the bad news. She was hard to console for the moment, but recovered her composure. "How does he look?" she asked. "Well," said one of the men: "he didn't look so bad for being dead so long, but he was full of eels." "Full of eels," she said. "Yes," one of them answered, saying: "What shall we do with the body?" She pondered for a moment, and said: "Well, seeing as he did so good this time, you might as well 'set him' again!"
SO SWEET AND INNOCENT. - At a Harrisburg market stall there was some apple-butter on sale. Having purchased some of it in the morning, a woman tried it that noon; after lunch she decided to go back to make another goodsized purchase of more of this same apple-butter. A small girl was in charge of the stand at the time, to whom the customer remarked that she had purchased some there in the morning, and that it was so good she wanted more of it. The little girl, honest and very sweet of face, after receiving the purchase price, said.- "Thank you; you know we wouldn't have 'brung' no apple-butter to market, but a rat fell in the crock, and Mom said 'We'll just take it to market and sell it!'"
THE TRUTH IN CHURCH. - A helper at a garage not over 58 miles from Harrisburg one day told his employer that he would like to have the next day off-the reason therefor being that he wanted to go to a funeral. Since he wasn't the kind to ask for time off, the boss decided to offer his car, and further offered, next day, to drive the fellow to the church, and likewise attend the services of what he supposed was an old-time friend of the helper's. On arriving in good time at the church, both entered and awaited the eulogy on the life and influence of the late departed. As the preacher extolled the virtues of the gentleman, philanthropist and scholar, as well as father, who now was about to take his last earthly ride, the hired man arose and with a menacing fist extended toward the clergyman, he yelled out, at the top of his voice: "Du leegsht G- @@!" (You lie the ---@@). We heard that his action broke up what would otherwise have been a fine, and successful tribute (?).
CITY "FELLER" LEARNS. - A city "feller" came to visit on the farm in the back-road section. After a few hot days in summer he decided to go back to town, and so told his host.
"I thought you said you liked the country-the quietness and freshness, and everything," said the farmer.
"Sure; I liked everything about the place at first, but the flies are so bad," he explained.
"Flies?" queried the farmer; "what about them?"
"Well, the damn things down at the end of the garden patch bother me so when I go out that I can hardly stand it," said the visitor.
"They never bother me," said the farmer. "Say, what time of day do you usually go?"
"Oh, along about the middle of the forenoon, or rnid-afternoon-just as it suits."
"My goodness man-you shouldn't go out at such times -you should go when Mom is cooking dinner, or supper- you see all the flies are around the kitchen then," explained the nature-wise farmer.
AMISH MONKEY-BUSINESS. - There is an interesting observation to be made concerning a quite young Amish couple who "jumped over the traces" and got themselves thrown out of the church. This couple would have, in due time, run afoul of the law, and they wanted to be married to clear themselves. But they had been "thrown out," hence the church would not have them until they were "cleared." The Amish could not clear them outside of the church. So the head men carried their troubles to a clergyman belonging to another Protestant denomination. The latter said, after hearing the story, that it was the custom of his church to forgive penitent and erring people, and set them at ease again. He even offered to marry them to protect the name of their anticipated off-spring.
Then an Amishman spoke up quickly, saying: "Oh, we couldn't marry such a couple; do you mean truly that you would marry them?"
"Certainly," said the man who would "fix things."
"Well, then, if you marry them then we can take them right back into the Church ," spoke the Amish in a chorus.
And so they went back home with all their troubles solved.
ENGLISH DIDN'T "TAKE." - Daughter was bundled off to a State Normal School to be made into a teacher. Near the end of the third term she arrived home unexpectedly. "It wondered the whole family," as we say, and her father promptly asked her "Why you come so soon home from the Normal?"
"Well, I might as well tell you Pop, I ain't a wirgin anymore," she said with eves cast down.
"Och, daughter," said the disappointed old man; "I spent so much of my hard-earned money to sent you away to a nice school, and to get a good education, and now you come home and still say '"ain't."
DON'T RIDICULE. - A bevy of jack-a-dandies with fuzzy-wuzzy faces and summer girls with their dresses cut off adove, sojourned a few days where the inhabitants were all very highly proficient in the Pennsylvania German tongue.
They liked the cooking, they relished the victuals, they enjoyed the invigorating atmosphere. In fact, they could stomach all except the language, which they hated. "Too much Dutch here, there and everywhere," was the common voice. Finally they packed up and went to the depot, where they heard some more Dutch; "too much Dutch," was heard from every one. After they had been snugly seated in the car, two men with dinner pails came in talking Pennsylvania German. "Too much Dutch!" was the chorus of the coterie. One of the men said: "My young friends, when you go away from home again, you go to hell, where you won't hear any Dutch.,'
-From "Horne's Pennsylvania German Manual."
WHAT A CHANGE. - A judge in the Pennsylvania Dutch section received a petition from one who asked to have his name changed. The dispenser of justice looked over the top of his glasses and said: "And what is your name now?"
"My name is " _____ Hinnershitz," replied the petitioner.
"Well, well, my young man I don't blame you for wanting to change your name," said the judge; "and what do you want to change it to?"
"Well, Mr. judge, I would like to change it to just plain '"_____ Hinnershitz!"
NOT SO INTENDED. - One day we saw an inebriated fellow ("drunk" to you), swinging and swaying along an iron fence, hanging on sometimes for dearlife. To a nearby Dutchman we remarked. "See that fellow across the street- did you ever get that way?"
The slow-spoken Dutchman replied: "Well, I won't say nothin' about that, but one thing I know-he didn't want to get that way-it just crept up on him!"
WHAT PATERNITY? - A Quakertowner began to show some distrust of his wife-when she become the mother of twins. He constantly went about declaring in a firm manner that he recognized one of them as his own, but that the other one was "a stranger."
SHE WAS SATISFIED. - She was a darn good-hearted woman in her late 40's; she had been widowed for a few years, and had hired out as a "hired" woman, doing cooking most of the time. One day she surprised her employer and her few friends by marrying again. The day following the wedding found her at her usual job-cooking. A chance visitor at the home, knowing of the wedding, on seeing her, asked if she wasn't "going on a honey-moon." "Ach, no;" she volunteered-"such things don't interest me a-tall anymore; I chust let my sister go on the honeymoon instead of me!"
TOO MANY POLITICAL PARTIES. - Berks County is well known for its long-standing Democratic party leanings, as well as others of a wide variety. One prominent man used to say that Berks County was that way because their people read only papers "on their side." Others held that because of German and Lutheran influence, led by paid preachers, that this was the cause. We hardly think so, for we know of other counties where, with the same kind of preachers, Republicans dominate (as they should!). But to contrast German-settled Berks, with German Lancaster, where many sects abounded, and where they also had paid preachers-no specific cause could be isolated for the great differences in votes in other years. One fellow from Northampton said he could not see any need of so many parties- "the Democrats and the Lutherans are enoughl"
SOME MORE WPA BUSINESS. - A woman wanted her lawn mowed. So she phoned a government employment office, asking that a man be sent around to do the work. Was she surprised when they said they'd send some one around? Next day a big truck loaded with boards and planks and 2x4's, and nine men drew up in front of her property. Seeing all this she hurried out to say that she hadn,t ordered this material; there must be a mistake.
"Didn't you want your lawn mowed, lady?" one man said.
Yes, I want my lawn mowed," she replied.
"Well, that's what we're here for. This is a government job now. First we'll build a two-seater room with this new lumber-according to the rules. Two men will be sitting in it all the time; and of course two will be on the way in, and two will be on the way out. I have two men here to cut the grass; one of them will do the cutting while the other rests, ready to relieve him. And you see I'm the superintendent!"
PROBLEM FOR PROFESSORS. - Two city professors came to the country one day and happened to come to a roadside barn. They stopped to appraise the stock and general surroundings, when one of them noticed a calf that had just a moment before swished its tail around, getting the tip of it into a knot hole in a barn yard fence.
Said the first Prof.: "Say' now; I wonder how that calf ever got through that knot hole."
The other Prof. gave the matter keen attention and after rubbing his chin a bit, spoke up: "You know-how he got through doesn't worry me half as much as how he happened to get that much through the hole, and why he can't get the rest of him through!"
BRIEF. - One day the farmer's wife couldn't go to church, so she persuaded her husband to make the trip. Returning from the service, and way after dinner time, tlin wife thought of the service, saying to her husband: Dan; about the preacher; what did he preach about today?"
"Och, sin," came the reply from the sleepy farmer.
"Well, what did he have to say about it?"
"Och, he was wonderful against it."
SOWING AND HARVEST. In that part of Pennsylvania where girls are "enciente" before they marry, one yokel had become a father, as he wished. In his great delight he shouted the news to a neighbor farmer:
"Hey, Henner; we got the kid I was telling you about."
Says the neighbor: "What was it-and how much did it weigh?"
The proud father said: "It's a boy alright; weighs 3 lbs."
"Oh, fiddle," says the neighbor farmer., "what are blowing your horn so about; you hardly even got your seed back!"
NO QUORUM. - A bill was before the Legislature providing that 75% of the population of a county had to approve by vote, before issuing school bonds. During the debate a rural member shouted: "Mr. Speaker; Mr. Speaker; I object. This bill isn't fair to my county; we haven't got that many people in our county!"
THE CANDIDATE AND MAID WHO DIDN'T GET TO BUNDLE This is a Story About a Candidate who ran for sheriff. The office-seeker came to a rural home late on an afternoon. He inquired whether he could obtain a meal, and lodging for the night. The reply was that he could have both: The supper was a fine one, and the candidate was in good humor.
As was customary in those days, folks went to bed rather early, and, on announcing that he believed he would be off to bed, if they told him where to sleep, he'd retire.
The farmer said "We don't have much room, but you can sleep with the hired girl."
The candidate replied that he was a married man, and a candidate, too, and that if it became generally known throughout the county that he had slept with a hired girl during his campaign, that some constituents might misconstrue his motives and manners; could he have no other place to sleep? The farmer said the only other place available was the barn (not an uncommon practice in other years).
So rather than chance to sleep with the hired girl on account of what might have happened to him, and his campaign, he decided on the barn.
Early next morning he heard the hired girl come into the cow stable to let out the cows. After milking one or two, she came back to release a bull which had become restless, leading him to one of the cows. The story goes that the bull sniffed around a bit, jerked on his halter rope, turned his head, and drew away.
This infuriated the maid and she yelled at the bull in evident disgust: "What the devil's a-matter with you? Are you a candidate for sheriff too?"
CO-OPERATIVE- The waitress in a Lebanon restaurant got a rush order from a customer who said:
"Quick; some doughnuts and a cup of coffee, without cream."
"Today we ain't got no cream; but I can give you coffee without milk if you want it that way," replied our sweet little Dutch girl.
KINDLY DISPOSED. - The fire had destroyed all of the farmer's dwelling, furniture, barn and livestock. As is customary in certain communities, neighbors chip in a little of this, and that, and start such unfortunates up in farming, or business, again.
This victim was so deeply moved by the help rendered and immediate offers of coming assistance, that he was moved to address the assembled neighbors something like this:
"My friends and neighbors: I thank you. Some day I hope all your houses will take fire and that I can have a chance to do for you, too!"
THE JUDGE WILL DECIDE. - Having been arrested and brought before the court charged with stealing chickens in an eastern "Dutch" county, the youn fellow was given a good going-over by the judge who said.
"John, your father was one of my best friends for many, many years; now you, his son, come to my court charged with,,stealing chickens. What do you have to say for yourself ?
Ashamed, and anxious to make a clean breast of the affair, the accused said: "Well, judge, I guess I'm guilty; I shouldn't had did it; I'm sorry."
Said the judge. "John, you know these things don't pay; what do you think is going to happen to you, now that you plead guilty? I'll have to sentence you, you know.
Go on; speak up."
Well, judge," concluded the first-offender; "I feel a little backward and ashamed-a little like a bride on her honeymoon day-I know I got something coming, but I don't know how long it will be."
DELAYED. - "My what a bashful boy you are," said the farmer's daughter. "Yep; I'm just like my Pap, they say." "And was he so bashful, too?" .,Oh my, yes; my Mom says if Pop hadn't been so darn slow I 'd be at least five years older."
NO CHANGES NOTED. - Son had been in the army for several months, when he wrote home to his mother. Said he:
"Dear Mom: I like the army life pretty good...
and about the only thing that's different that I mind
the most is the pot - I miss the pot under my bed."
In her reply his good old mother wrote:
"I'm so glad everything is working out so nice for
you in the army --even about the pot-you know you
always missed it when you was at home, remember?"
DOUBTFUL WIDOW.-A widow in her 'teens, and not hard to look at, she had no trouble in being wooed with a prospect of marriage a second time. There was a good deal of affection displayed, and both parties evidenced an interest in religion. They were,-however, of different persuasions. Pressing her for a promise of marriage, she admitted she loved this newcomer.
"Why, then," said he, "won't you marry me?"
Well, I just can't make up my mind who I want to be true too when we're all dead-my first husband--or you!" said the widow.
PAY NO NEVERMINDS-The little girl was backward so the mother told the clerk: "Don't pay no attention to her; she feels herself so behind."
"LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL."--Two old maids had lived a well-ordered life-and they were still old maids. They were so "close" -they wouldn't even let the cat out of the house: Finally one of them went away from home for the first time for a few days' visit. Here she met with a strange man, who, in the course of a few evenings made her happier than she had ever been before-happier than she had ever dreamed. She wrote home to her sister, telling her what a wonderful experience she was having, and that she wouldn't be home as soon as she had intended. And she added to her letter: "P. S.-Please, dear sister, please let the cat out tonight, and tomorrow night, and the next nights, too!"
IT MADE LITTLE DIFFERENCE.-In the horse-and-buggy era a young farmer drove leisurely along the road to town. Seeing a young woman on foot, bound in the same direction, he called to her:
"Are you going to town, yet?"
"Ei, yes," she answered.
"Well, come on get on the buggy then, and ride along," he urged. For a spell the conversation lagged, but he led on by asking her.
"Say; where do you live?"
"Ei, right here in town," was her reply.
"Well, now, do you know, I don't believe I ever seen you before," said the driver.
All the while he kept giving her the usual appraisal accorded attractive girls. Concluding she was worth his while, fie worked up courage to remark:
"Say, you look like a right nice girl to me; do think maybe we could have some correspondence?"
"Ei, now; I guess its airight with me; but do you think your horse would stand still long enough?" ventured the shy young miss.
A DUTCHMAN BUILDS A SCHOOL HOUSE. A Snyder County Dutchman moved to Centre County, eventually being elected a school director. The subject of a new school house came up, and our friend was all for it, and at the meeting he said:
"I move we built a new school house."
"I make a second move we built the new one on the same ground where the old one is.,"
"I make a third move we use the material from this school house to help build the other one.
"I make a fourth move we stay right in this here old school house until the new one is done!" . . .
and in telling the above story one day, a fellow told us:
"I helped build the darn thing!"
LABORED TO DEATH. - The doctor had a companion with him on a trip which netted the birth of a thirteenth child at a rural home. On the way home the doctor noticed a duck near the road, saying to the companion:
"Whose duck is that, Henner?"
"Shucks, Doc, that ain't no duck; that's the stork what's been working around here, with his legs wore off."
SOUNDED THAT WAY. - Two friends who hadn't seen one another for some years, met one day. They exchanged the usual "melarky." One said:
"Say, how's the wife?"
"Well, she hain't been so good; she had quinsy."
"Ei, ei; that makes how many you got now?"
COURTESY. - It is an old established custom among rural folk to attend funeral services of neighbors and friends. But one fellow attended all funerals. Some one asked him whether he knew all those who were being buried and whose services he attended.
"No, I don't know most of them," he said.
"Well, why do you go then?"
"Why, it's this way, you see; I'm an old, old man, and I have to look out for the future. I figure if I don't go to other people's funerals they won't come to mine; so I'm just playing safe."
DUNKERS. - The Dunkers had a river baptism during the late winter season, and ice had to be broken for the ritualistic performance. After the dunking, one of the churchmen asked the new communicant whether the water was cold.
"No, not a bit," said he.
"Say, reverend, shouldn't you put him under again, this time a little longer "he doesn't seem to have been cured of lying," concluded the previously purified one.
CENSORSHIP The subject of censorship is a touchy one. Some people like their reading "plain;" others would choke the life out of everything. See what happens when one takes the simple little nursery rhymes and "censors" a word here or there. These verses sound strange when you read aloud to your- self, supplying such words as come to your mind, aside from the one deleted:
A Dillar, A Dollar
A dillar, a dollar,
A two o'clock scholar,
What make you ______ so soon?
You used to ________at two o'clock,
But now you ________ at noon.
See-Saw, Margery Daw
See-saw, Margery Daw,
Jenny shall have a new master;
She shall have but a penny a day
Because she can't_____ any faster.
Doctor Poster
Doctor Foster went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain;
He stepped in a puddle up to his _________
And never went there again.
THAT KIND OF A CREATURE. - At a private sale the Dutchman sold a mule, with a darn good guarantee that it was "sound in every way," as the contracts go. The buyer started to lead him away, toward his new home, when without any warning, the mule started to run, and ran smack-dab into a tree, with such force that it knocked him out. The new owner walked back to the farmer and said- "Hey, that damn mule you sold me wasn't sound-he's as blind as a bat."
"Now just a minute there, mister; that there mule ain't blind-he's just the kind that don't give a damn."
MEANT BUSINESS. - The farmer who was in the chicken business in a large way posted his property in this fashion: "Any one who loafs around my chicken house at night will be found still there next morning."
NO EXTRA TROUBLE FOR HIM. - A city salesman stopped at a country hotel, and asked the proprietor: "Can you give me a room and bath?" Says the prop.- "Well, I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath."
GOOD DEED, EVIL SMELL Philadelphia "Inquirer," March 2, 1946: Peo le from upstate towns who visit Philadelphia often send tack a present to the kiddie or the wife. Farmers send back butter, if they can find it. No one thinks the worse of them for this.
Yet kindly old John Wagner found himself in the hands of the Federal law yesterday for just sending a few packages back to his pigs in Snyder County.
The postal inspectors told U. S. Commissioner Norman J. Griffin that John's packages were full of garbage. This, they made clear, was garbage in the literal sense, not merely the kind that would normally pass in the airy sense of a letter from a friend or a circular.
They explained that John, who is 65, lives at McClure, which is in the vicinity of Dogtown, which in turn is not far from Sunbury. He is in the habit of visiting Philadelphia and makes a little expense money while he is here by selling shopping bags on the streets.
During these visits, they said, he was killing two birds with one stone, and almost doing the same for employes at several postoffice stations around town.
He went around to hotels in the city at nights, they said, filled the shopping bags he still had on his hands after a day in the marts of trade with garbage put out in cans in the hotel areaways, and shipped it home. Since last summer, some 30 or 40 packages, carefully wrapped and of huge size, were mailed from various postoffice stations to his own address.
While the packages lay in the postoffice, wild life of terrifying appearance sometimes emerged from the packages and flew or scuttled, and the aroma of tfie bundles was such that many clerks became openly suspicious of each other.
John told the postal inspectors, they said, that he had no grudge against their department, but merely wanted to send back a portion of the fine victuals thrown away in the city to feed the animals on his little place near McClure.
Commissioner Griffin, with appropriate downwind comment, held John for the Federal Grand jury on charges of practices injurious to the mails and to the health of postal employes.
We trust the reader will make his own comment!
FOR THE FAMILY. - A little girl came into a small town general store and asked for three tolls of toilet paper, when this commodity was scarce. The clerk, however, didn't recognize the little one, and stopped her, "Who are they for?" he asked. The little girl tilted her nose in the air as she answered: "for all of us."
APOLOGETIC The Pennsylvania Dutch are polite in their own way. They would not want to hurt the feelings of another for anything. While English-spoken people might say "excuse me" apologetically, the average Dutchman understands how one of his kind felt while in a large city.
Our kinswoman had been jostled several times by hurrying people in stores and on the busy streets. It happened once too often, so she turned and looked after the offending member of society, saying in a voice that could be heard some distance away: "Such dumb people like they got here; they bump into a person right and left and don't even stop to say "ugh"-(excuse me).
GOOD EXAMPLE, OR BAD.-Back in the days of the traveling salesman and the old-time family worship, a salesman asked for a night's lodging in a rural home.
Horse fed and put up for the night, supper finished and news of the outside world told in detail to the older members of the family, the traveling man was off to bed early as,was the custom. He was to sleep with little Jacob, already in bed. Before "extinguishing" the flame in the old-fashioned coal-oil light "Jecky" jumped out of bed, got down on his knees near the foot end, bowed his head, one hand on the side of the bed.
The boy was quiet for a moment, which seeing, stirred the heart of the salesman. He, too, remembered the days of his youth, and thought he ought to leave a good impression with the boy. Accordingly he knelt down opposite little jecky, head bowed, hands on bed, about to begin a silent prayer.
Jacob, boy that he was, and natural, studied the stranger for a moment, then blurted out with some pity in his voice:
"Gee, mister, Mom'll give you bell in the morning when she finds out-the pot is under this side of the bed!"
OLD TIME TOWNS.-Pennsylvania boasts of three old time towns, not at all hard to remember: Pottsville, Potts- town, and Chambersburg-known as the "three pots."
VOLUME CONTROL(LED). - The bus stopped and twelve kids got on, followed by a woman who paid but one fare. "How about all the kids; don't any pay fares?" asked the driver.
"No," replied the woman; they're all under age, and all mine."
"Gee, whiz," remarked the driver, "you must have had a couple sets of quads."
No, you're wrong; there are six sets of twins," she said.
"Wow; do you mean you got twins every timep" asked the amazed bus driver as he twisted his cap on a sweating head and brow.
"Ei, no; thousands of times we didn't get any," said the mother of the dozen.
Excerpted from Funny Stories, Pennsylvania Dutch Wit and Humorr, by J.E. Herrera, A.B.,B.D.M.S.M., Hexologist, York Pennsylvania Press, Inc., York, Pa, 1966
WIT AND HUMOR OF THE PA. GERMANS.
A Dutchman, like anybody else, likes to hear a good story and tell one too! This book is but a sample of some of the good humor we like to think is funny and witty. You who read it may not agree, -- but most of you will undoubtedly find it a "good friend on lonely nights" and won't want to put it away until you read it through from cover to cover.
Most of these stories are not new. For that matter, they wouldn't be "Dutch" stories if they were. Many of them appear in print from time to time. The best ones are told from one generation to another. These little treasures or "gems" are still as fresh as dew in the morning - even if they are a few hundred years old. This collection is mostly about our "gay" Dutch people and their way of life. It is being published in order to give you some LANG - FERSAUMTE LAPPERY (long neglected nonsense) which is guaranteed to tickle the funny bone and cause one to smile. If the stories don't do that, don't blame me, blame our sense of humor.
Since we (Dutchmen) like so many good things to eat and plump wives, well filled barns and to belong to church, it seems natural enough that some jokes and stories about it all will appear in this book. None are meant to offend; only to fill your old salt box with lots of seasoning from our Dutchland. Nun Wir A'geht!
FRESH FISH
Dutchmen are very peculiar about the freshness of their food. They are also very honest. Here is a story that combines freshness and honesty.
Customer: "Say, you wouldn't sell any fish that are not fresh, would you?"
Fish Man: "Of course not, I'd take the word fresh right off my sign."
TOO TIRED TOO MOVE
Very few Dutchmen are not industrious. Once in awhile you find a family or two that are lazy. A typical case is as follows: The entire family is just sitting around after a big meal and too much shoofly Pie. A tremendous howl is heard. Paw says, " Maw, go see what it is." Maw says, I 'Howie, go see what it is." Howie says, "I'm too tired Maw, send Paw." After two or three rounds of passing the buck, Howie finally gets up and looks to see what made the noise. "What was it Paw says." "Oh, just the dog Paw, he got stuck in a cactus, but was too tired to move."
A CONTRARY DUTCHMAN
Some people say that Dutchmen are contrary. We leave it up to you to decide. A carpenter from the Dutch country always ate his lunch on the job. One day the men heard him say, "Peanut butter," and he threw his sandwich away. The next day the same thing happened again. Finally one of the workmen asked him this question. "Jake, I've noticed the last few days that you look in your lunch pail and pull out peanut butter sandwiches and then say 'peanut butter' and throw thern away. If you don't like peanut butter sandwiches, why don't you tell your wife to rnake you something else?"
Carpenter: "You leave my wife out of this. I make my own sandwiches."
COFFINS FOE SALE
Dutchman named Casey had the following sign above his place of business. Casey coffins they are fine, made of satin, brass and pine
When you want to pass away, always go the Casey way.
More undertakers choose Casey coffins to be laid away in than any other coffin.
Try our new Lay-Away Plan!
SCHOOL DAYS
Prof: Jacob, what can you tell me about Nitrates?"
Jacob: "Well sir, they usuaIIy are cheaper than day-rates. "
Prof: "Ach you dumbbell, that's a stupid answer. I almost feel like calling you a dumbbell again. If there are any other dumbbells in the room, stand up. (no one stands but Jacob) "Ach, Jacob, so you are a dumbbell."
Jacob: "No sir, it's just that I hate to see you standing there by yourself."
Prof: "Do you students know that I predict the end of the world in 100.000,000 Years?"
Student: (very frightened) "How many Professor?
22 Prof: "In 100,000,000 years.', (relieved) 'Oh, I thought you said 10,000,000 years."
Prof: "Now students, if I lay three eggs here and four eggs there, how many eggs can I lay?"
Jacob: "I don't believe you can lay eggs sir."
Prof: "Who can tell rne the nanie of this rock?"
Jacob: "I don't know sir, but if you say it's a rock I would take it for granted it's a rock."
Prof: "That's right, Jacob, it is granite. Very good!"
"Miss Jones, what kept you out of class yesterday? Was it acute indigestion?"
Miss Jones: "No sir, it was a cute engineer."
TROUBLE WITH THE BOY
An elderly Dutchrnan was having trouble with his youngest son. It seerned he liked the girls too rnuch and wanted the buggy all the tirne. Finally he had to lie about using the buggy and said to his pop that he wanted the buggy to take his boy friends out. The old inan knowing full well what he was up to said, I 'Well, next time tell the boys not to leave their hairpins in the buggy."
GETTIN IN THE RIGHT CHURCH
Mrs. McIntosh was a very poor lady from the other side of the tracks, but she wanted to become a member of one of the town's most exclusive churches. After giving it some thought, she went to see the local minister and asked him if he would receive her as a member on Easter Sunday. Not wishing to receive her because of the furor it would cause among his more well-to-do members, he tried to put her off by suggesting that she go home and pray about it. This she agreed to do and after some time came to see him again and asked to join. The minister was still afraid to go through with the membership proposal so he asked her to go home again and pray about it. After about a year, when the minister thought Mrs. McIntosh had forgotten all about joining the church, he chanced to meet her on the street in town one day. "Well, Mrs. McIntosh," said the minister, "it's been a long time since I saw you. Tell me, what did you decide to do about joining the church?" "Oh, Reverend," she said, "you know you told me to go home and pray about it and I did. I really didn't know what to do; but the Lord told me not to worry about it because he's been trying to get into that church for 40 years now and he hasn't been able to do it himself yet!"
A SHREWD BUSINESSMAN
An old Dutchman sold a cow to his neighbor and got $100.00 for her. "Say Silas," the neighbor said. "that cow you sold me hasn't given me a drop of milk since I bought her from you. I think you gypped me. II "Well, no wonder she doesn't gif milk," he said. "You didn't tell me you wanted milk rights to her too."
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
1st farmer: "I always get a little behind when I take that girl out." (meaning he loses time from his work)
2nd farmer: "Yes, I know what you mean. She always was a small girl."
WONDERFUL GOOD PIE
That there pie tastes wonderful good, ain't that so pop?" ",Ya, so it iss, but it costs so plenty. But when I think it over good once, it ain't the cost so much, it's the size that bodders me."
HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS ON LAUGHTER
The most completely lost of all days is the one where no-one has laughed. I'd rather laugh a bright haired boy, than reign a gray haired King. Without love and laughter there is no joy. Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone, For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth, but has trouble enough of its own.
THE BUGGY IS STILL BEST
A young Dutch couple went out for a ride in their buggy and stopped along the road near the girl's farm. As it happened, her daddy was out in the field plowing and spied the two children kissing and hugging. Irate and distressed, he laid down his plow and walked up to the buggy preparing to teach the lad a lesson. I 'I'll teach you what this buggy is for," he said, intending to pull the boy out of it. "Oh, you don't have to bother, sir," the boy said, "I've learned enough today to last me all my life."
NO MORE RINGS
Smart Dutchmen build square bathtubs, so they don't have to wash out the rings.
GOOD FERTILIZER
Some farmers got together at a county fair to talk about the kind of crops they were able to grow and the rich land they owned. One farmer claimed that he could get 150 bushel of wheat from an acre of land. "That must be good fertilizer you use," one of the men said. "To tell you the truth," another said, " my cows gif such good manure that da odder day mine wife planted broom handles and it all sprouted blossoms." "Ho, that is nossing, " said another, "my boy grows corn out of limestone, so good iss my fertilizer from the cows."
A FOGGY FOGGY DAY
On the road from York to Gettysburg it gets fearful foggy sometimes and one time it got so bad we not only could not see in front of us, but men had to cut through the stuff with power saws and axes before the road could be cleared.
MORE FOG
Another man who took the same road noticed how his car started to climb what seemed to be a long grade or a hill. After traveling for some time, he found out that the fog was so thick that it took him clear over the Blue Ridge Mountains before it let him down on that new super highway near Pittsburgh. Fog like that is hard to beat.
STRONG MEDICINE
Dutchmen tell of home remedies that they have used on animals and humans to effect cures. Two Dutchmen sounded like this when they talked about their cures. "Vell, I tell you that root chuse and pig stomach really helped Grandma over the winter. Why at 98 she can still milk the whole herd, spread 10 acres of manure and still manage to bake 10 or 15 pies before bett." "Eli," said the other Dutchman, "that must be gute stuff, but Mom makes somesing that does a better job than that. Last year Grandpaw, who is 100, walked the whole way from Lancaster to California without having to stop onct to eat or sleep. It was so strong it carried him off to heaven knows where last week. We expect he must be in China now."
THAT'S EATING
A wiseheirner tourist had breakfast on a farm in Pa. and when he saw the farmer eating pigs feet and tongue ridiculed the farmer. "You'd never see me eating a tongue from an animal's mouth. What a habit that is! I'll have two eggs, please!!"
A BAD CASE OF JAW
Some Dutchmen have talkative wives. Jess Hamme had one of the most talkative women ever heard. One day he happened into town and stopped by the doctor's office. "Say Doc," he said, "my wife seems to have some trouble with her jaw and can't get her mouth open at all." "That's too bad," said the Doctor. "Yep, I guess so; but if you don't mind, wait a month or two before you come out to see her. I haven't had it so good in 30 years."
A TOURIST TRAP FOR BUGS
One of the more lazy boys back at Mt. Schnizzel decided to open up a tourist hotel from what was left of the old country store on the mountain. For the most part, it was run down and ready to walk away. Nevertheless, a few nails here and there, plus some paint and the store became a hotel. After some time the first customer who got lost in the area decided that he wanted to stay overnight and took a room. He had a miserable night and couldn't sleep a wink."Wall -er uh, " Herman said, "how was the room?" "Miserable," the guest complained. Somewhat disturbed, Herman remarked, "What's eatin' you?" Whereupon the guest snapped, "that's just what I wanted to know!"
HOW COULD YOU TELL WAS A FARMER
Many people make fun of some of our less fortunate backroads people in the state when they go through Mt. Schnizzel.
One day a smart tourist stopped along the road where a farmer was plowing and said, "Hey you, hey you farmer, come here."
The farmer laid down the plow and stopped the team and came over to the car of the tourist.
"How did you know I was a farmer," he said. "I Guessed it," said the city slicker (laughing under his breath at the condition of thr farmer)
"How do you get out of the country?" the slicker said.
"How did you say you knew I was a farmer?" asked the farmer again.
"I said I guessed it," replied the slicker.
"Well then, if you're so good at guessin', guess how to get out of the country."
The tourist meekly drove away.
BACK AT THE HOTEL AGAIN
The hotel owner at Mt. Schnizzel decide to pick up business by advertising in the newspaper.
The ad read as follows:
"Come to Mt. Schnizzel and enjoy the pleasing bite in the night air while you sleep in air conditioned comfort.
After readin' the ad some tourists decided to visit the hotel.
Next morning, after a hot humid night and no air a guest complained about the ad and the bite in the night air that hye was supposed to be paying for.
"Didn't you feel those mosquitoes and the hot air last night? It's just like my ad said. It's a comfort to know you have air at all and the insects bite all night?"
THAT'S REAL DRINKIN'
The local drunk happened to get into the way of the town Parson and the clergyman stopped to ask him how he was getting along on his sobriety oath.
"Wonderful, just wonderful Parson. I don't drink at all anymore ... I just have the chasers."
A TRUE REPENTENT
The repentant looked at the Minister and proudly started talking about his way of life.
"Yessir, Parson, I want you to know that although I still drink, swear, and smoke, and beat my wife some, I never gave up my religion!"
PAW'S THE BEST SHOT IN THE COUNTY
The traveling salesman held the farrner's daughter tightly and kissed her feverishly.
" My paw is the best shot in the county," said the country maid. "So what," said the salesman, "what am I supposed to do about that ?"
"Plan on gettin' married," said the girl.
PUT YOU X HERE
A dumb Dutchman - dumb like a fox - signed his name with an X and circled it.
"Why do you circle your name?"
asked the salesman. "This contract is binding without circling your name."
"You don't think I'd sign my real name on a contract like that do you ?"
SAFE TO THE END
Two men jumped off the edge of a cliff to their death. When they were found one of the group remarked.
"Well, at least they made it to the bottom safe."
WE LIKE THE EGGS.
The Psychiatrist leaned forward and said, "I'm afraid we will have to commit Mr. Jones if he still insists that he is a chicken.
" What!" his wife said, "and not be able to use the eggs he lays around the house!"
FER LANDS SAKE.
A city woman smelled a terrible odor out in the country.
"What is that horrible odor I smell?" she asked.
"That's manure."
"Fer lands sake," she replied.
"That's right, Maam," said the farmer.
BACK HOME AT OUR PLACE.
The irate husband and the local constable walked down lovers lane late at night and the husband screamed out.
"I'll kill my wife if I catch her with another man!"
20 women got killed in the rush to get out of the cars.
LOOKIN GOOD
The cute salesgirl said to the male customer. "Could I interest you in one of these Bikinis?"
"Yes, Maam, but wait until my wife leaves."
THE DUTCHMAN ON THE GOLF COURSE
The Dutchman was visiting his city cousin and got talked into going and playing golf with his host.
After doing a fair job on the first 9, he started getting out his lunch and just threw the paper where it might happen to land. One of the other members of the golf club got ir- ritated and came over to bawl him out.
"This is no dump," he said. "It cost $5,000.00 a year dues here and a $10,000.00 initiation fee. - - Why, I ought to have you arrested for littering."
The Dutchman looked up and remarked to his cousin. "With that kind of talk I can see why it's hard to get new members here."
A HOUSE IS A HOUSE
A young man got lost in a downtown section and had to stop another man walking down the street.
"I'm lost," he said, "how do I get to Peoria?"
"Third house down, first door on the right," came the answer.
BACK AT THE STILL
"Don't you fellas find it hard to get life' s necessities way back here in the mountains ?" said the stranger.
"Yup," said the mountain man, "and most of it ain't fit to drink nuther."
THAT'LL BE $1.40
The Dutchman came to the country store with a catalogue in his hand and figured he could talk down the clerk by showing him the price of an object in the catalogue that was priced cheaper in the book than in the store.
"Catalogue here says that shovel costs $1.25 and yours is $1.40. That's highway robbery. I'll give you what it costs in the catalogue." "O.K." said the clerk, "I'll sell it to you for $1.25. That'll be $1.25 plus 15 cents postage from the catalogue or $1.40."
"That's better," said the Dutchman. "I sure don't want to pay no store price if you can get it cheaper in a catalogue."
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES
The young Dental assistant was pretty but dumb. She had to clean teeth that day and was a little too inexperienced in using the probe to clean catarrh from the teeth near the gums.
"Water, give me water," the patient cried.
"Why, are you thirsty ?" said the young Hygienist. "No,"said the patient, "I just want to see if rny throat leaks, - the way you're using that probe."
BE PATIENT!
"You idiot, you pulled the wrong tooth," the patient moaned.
"Be patient," the Doctor bellowed, "I'm getting close to it now."
ONE SHOE SHINNED FREE
A poor little Dutch boy in at the rnarket set up a shoe shine stand and offered to shine shoes free ...
Sorne rnen seeing the sign decided to take advantage of the offer, but couldn't help noticing how well shined the little boy's shoes were.
"I'll take a shine," one man said. Whereupon the little boy started to shine his own shoes and then the customers.
"Why did you shine your own shoes son?" said the customer.
"Oh," replied the boy, "I shine my own free, just like the sign says; yours will cost a quarter."
JUST A WISE GUY
A small store in the country put on a shoe sale and some wise guy came in to waste time and the owner of the store knew it.
A pair of shoes were marked $10.00 a pair. "How much are those shoes you have marked $10.00?" said the wise guy.
'$5.00 a foot," came the reply. Nothing more was said.
TRY THIS
After about two hours of wasting his time with a miserable customer the salesman grew discouraged to tears.
" But I want to see something cheap," said the customer.
"Try this mirror," said the salesman.
KNOW MOZART
After doing a lot of social climbing, Mrs. Bucklewertz wanted to get into the 400 club. At a musicale put on by the club she and her spouse were asked to attend.
Her husband was the kind of man who thought he knew everything and decided to venture along to the musicale.
"Don't you think Mozart is divine?" one of the ladies asked. "Yes, I think he has the nicest wife too," Mrs. Bucklewertz replied.
Hearing this the husband was so embarrassed he made his wife leave the performance.
"I thought you were so smart," he said to his wife."Boy, you really humiliated me, and in front of all those people too. Don't you know Mozart (thinking ignorantly too that Mozart was the orchestra leader) isn't married?"
IT WILL PAY FOR ITSELF
The youngster from the Dutch country went to school to become a Dentist and graduated with honors.
A fast buck type of salesman thinking his Dutch way of talking was really a form of stupidity figured the Dr. to be an easy mark on the new office equipment he sold him.
"Son," he said, "if this equipment doesn't pay for itself in two months, I'll give it to you."
Confident that he had tricked the Dr. into a deal he delivered the equipment and sent a huge bill for the Dental supplies.
After about three months the Dr. made enough to pay for twice the amount of equipment he had ordered and called back in the salesman. In the meantime, he never paid for the original order.
"Say," said the salesman, "you didn't pay for the first order, now you want more. I can't give you anymore until you pay for the others."
"Didn't you say that this equipment would pay for itself in two months or you would give it to me ?" the Dutchman asked.
"Yes, I guess so," he said bewildered.
"Well, it has been setting here for nearly three months now and it hasn't made a move to pay for itself, so who owes who what?"
OUR SNAKES ARE POISONER THAN YOURS
A Pa. Dutchman and a Texan were talking about rattlesnakes and who had the biggest snakes in their respective states. Naturally the Texan claimed the biggest.
But not being willing to be outdone, the Dutchman told the following story.
"One time I got a flat tire out in the country and an old rattler came up to that car and his venom was so strong that it swelled up my tire so that I could drive that car home without changing the flat."
"That's nothing," said the Texan. "Once when my grandpappy was bitten by your Pa. rattlers, in less than 2 seconds that snake died from the shock of biting grandpaw. Furthermore, grandpaw had a wooden leg and when one of our Texas rattlers bit his wooden leg it took a week of cuttin' kindling that wood swelled up so much."
THEN THE BABY CAME
The slightly aging Dutchman stood before the judge and said,
"Well, we got along all those years until the new baby came and she changed everything."
"Well," said the judge, "wasn't your wife pleasedto see the baby come?"
"No, your Honor. You see, the baby I'm talking about was blond and about 25 years old, and she moved in next door."
DID YOU HEAR THIS ONE
About the young man who divorced his 14 year old wife because she acted like a child.
About the bigamist who always heard that two of anything is better than one.
About the court that freed the man from the charge of bigamy and he asked the judge which home he should go to!
About the man who complained that it cost $1,000.00 to get divorced and only $5.00 to get married.
About the girl who figured that an ounce of suggestion was worth a pound of allure.
About the woman who figured her husband was getting tired of her because he hadn't been home for seven years.
About the dancer who had no coverage except insurance.
I'LL TRY ANYTHING
A new Pa. Dutch bride was told that in order to get more work out of her lazy husband, she wouldhave to feed him lots of sea food. So, she went to the local market and ordered a can of oysters.
"Large or small, strongorweak?" asked the clerk. After pulling out a dollar bill to pay for the food she thoughtfully remarked, "I really don't know. You see they're for a man who wears a size 17 shirt and doesn't do a lick of work."
"Try shrimp," the clerk chuckled. They'll do most anything.
TOO FAT
Most Dutch girls after they are married, and many times before, start taking on great proportions in weight and size. At first they don't think much about it, but after 40 they usually start looking for other women fatter than they. It helps to keep things in perspective.
IN NEW YORK
One of our bigger Dutch farm girls went to the big city of New York to see the sights. After some brisk walking, it was suggested that she take the subway to get downtown from uptown. After arriving at the station she waited a few minutes for the train to arrive and finally was able to board the train, but not get a seat. However, one small space was still available, and she looked at it with real desire. A small man who didn't want to be crushed in the rush looked at her and got out a tape measure to measure the space. "Lady," he said, "I'd gladly let you have this seat, but my tape measure just isn't long enough to dare!"
A KINDLY JUDGE
The Dutchman and his wife were not getting along too well so they decided to get a divorce and forget each other. After granting the divorce the judge looked at the rather ignorant farmer and reminded him that alimony would now be in order. "I guess I'll give her a $100.00 a week," the judge said. "Well now, that's right sportin' of you judge, I really appreciate that," said the farmer. "And just fer your kindness, I'll give her a dollar or two myself every month."
BACK ON THE FARM
The young minister fresh out of seminary tried in vain to get the farmer to stop his smoking. "What will Saint Peter say if he smells tobacco on your breath?" "Oh, nothin', I spect. You see, I'll just leave my breath back here on the farm."
LET'S TRY AGAIN
The same young minister called on one of the families in the church register. When he got to the house a very sexy young woman, nearly nude, came to the door and asked him what he w a n t e d. "Well," he said in a dignified manner, "is your father home?" "Nope," she replied. "Is your mother here?" "Nope," she said again. "How about your brother?" "Nope," came the answer. Not knowing what else to do he remembered an uncle who was sent away to an asylum. "Is Uncle Ezra here?" (He was quite beside himself by now and didn't know what to do.) "Nope," the young woman replied, "he's away at an institution and being studied there. Which reminds me, if you can't find any other reason to come in, somebody oughta study you too."
STILL IN THE CITY
Mom and Pop took the boy with them to the city. "Ain't this here a wonderful nice place to visit, boy" said pop. "It surely is" the boy said. Just then he spied a window displaying some false teeth. "Look it here, pop, they's just what I want fer my mouth." "Hush up, boy," pop said, "how many times must I tell you not to pick your teeth in public."
IN NEW YORK YET
One of our more bashful Dutch cousins went to the big city to see what he could see. It was just wonderful. Tall buildings, pretty girls, modern cars and all those wonderful nice things one sees in the big town. Hunger overcame him soon enough so he went into a restaurant to order some food. Afraid to ask for much he simply ordered soup. The waiter brought the soup in short order and placed it in front of the Dutchman. After about five minutes the waiter noticed that our Dutchman had not touched his soup. "What's wrong?" the waiter asked. "l can't eat this here soup no how," he replied. "Why not?" the waiter grew impatient. "That's our best soup, it is always hot, well prepared, full of vitamins and energy, and the specialty of the house; now why can't you eat it?" "I don't have a spoon yet." The waiter died on the spot.
JUST A WARNING SIGN
In a little Pa. town not too wide awake and not too worried about the tourists who came and went, an amusing incident is recorded about a stop sign on the edge of a cliff. it seems as though a motorist did not see any signs on the road and plunged headlong into a ravine off the edge of a cliff. Luckily he was not killed or hurt too badly, and he had an attorney sue the town fathers. "Why was there no sign there warning travelers of the dangerous cliff and ravine?" said the attorney. "Well now-your honor" said the counselor for the town, we had a sign up there some years ago and no one ever went over ... so we took it down." Moral: Don't go over cliffs unless there is a sign there.
JUST MARRIED AND COLD TOO
The newly weds went to bed that night and it was really cold.
The next day some friends wanted to tease the boy so they asked him if he was very cold on his wedding night and if they talked much. "I don't know as we talked too much," he said, "but her teeth chattered all night long."
AT A DUTCH HEALTH RESORT
"Boy this weather is great," said the guest at the resort. "They tell me no one ever dies around here." "That's true," said the Dutch resort owner, "No one." Just about then a big hearse and funeral procession passed by. "I thought you said no one ever dies around here," said the guest.
"Right again," said the owner of the resort. "That's just the undertaker. He starved to death waitin' fer a customer."
NOT SUCH GOOD FORTUNE
An unfaithful Dutchman died suddenly and had a great fortune. Some of the neighbors asked the widow, "Did he leave you much?" "Almost every night," she replied.
TAT FOR TAT
"Say, did you know I had to shoot my wife yesterday?"
"Was she mad?" I 'Well - she wasn't too happy about it."
COURTIN THE HARD WAY
"Aw, why don't you give me a break," the salesman said to the Dutch girl. "I will," she said. and broke his arm ...
SOMTHIN TO AGREE ON
This world is so tough it's hard to get out of it alive!
NATURE WONDERS AT US
Mostly because we are:
Chicken livered
pigeon toed
lion hearted
slippery as an eel
blind as a bat
happy as a lark
sly as a fox
busy as a bee
crazy as a loon
stubborn as a mule
thirsty as a camel
still as a mouse
gentle as a lamb
drunk as an owl
vain as a peacock
slow as a turtle
strong as an ox
Also because we:
drink like fish
move like snails
roar like lions
coo like doves
run like deer
sleep like a log
strut like a rooster
eat like a pig
play possum
snatch at straws
wolf our food
get hungry as bears
chatter like magpies
hide like an ostrich
want our cake and eat it too.
RABBIT TROUBLE
"The trouble with rabbits is that they got their noses too shiny all the time." "Yeh, I know, but that' s because they got their puff on the wrong end."
THE CHURCH COUNCILMANS PRAYER
LORD, KEEP OUR MINISTER HUMBLE AND POOR.
YOU KEEP HIM HUMBLE AND WE'LL KEEP HIM POOR!
THIS IS REALLY SICK
"The Physician should know what he's talking about, shouldn't he ?"
"He said you were in a bad state." "Yes, I know," said the patient, "but he didn't mean we were to move"
TOO MUCH FOR INTRODUCTIONS
A bashful farm boy was to have his first date with an equally bashful farm girl. After about an hour of silence, he finally broke down and asked her for a little correspondence. "Well I guess it's alright she said, (thinking he wanted to pet) but don't you think we ought to be properly introduced first?"
SHE KICKED THE BUCKET
Two friends had gotten together to talk over old times; the conversation turned to their wives who both had previously died. "What happened to your wife, Zeke?" "Aw," said Zeke, "she spent every livin' cent I ever had." "That's nothin," said Jake, "my wife spent so much money, St. Peter made her turn in every credit card she had before he let her in."
A GOOD STORY
An old man was anxious to have a fling again and so when he went to town and saw a pretty girl he boldly walked up to her and said, "You know, you look like you're good enough to eat." "I do eat," she said. "Where.are we going?"
Kissin Wears Out, Cookin'Don't
SHORT BUT SWEET
The plump little miss was not to be outdone by the local boys who always teased her. "You girls are really a pain," one of the boys said. "You always have to have your palms read." "Yeah," she said, "and what about you men always going to taverns to get your noses red!"
SHE WAS WORTH MISSING DINNER FOR!
The time seemed right so the meek and shy Dutchman decided to go to town and have a big meal at one of the local eating establishments. He was anxious to see some of the good looking waitresses he had heard about there. After getting settled in the restaurant, he noticed one, two, three of the most beautiful girls his eyes ever set upon. After ordering pork and sauerkraut he just kept staring and staring at the pretty girls. Not being used to this kind of thing he wanted to be proper and laid a big tip out on the table before he even touched his dinner. Seeing that he had not eaten anything, one of the waitresses asked him if anything was wrong. (Nearly 30 minutes had passed by.) "Haven't you forgotten something," the blue eyed beauty asked. "Why," he said sheepishly, "didn't I leave you a nice tip?" "Yes," she said courteously, "but you forgot to eat!"
TWO AMISHMEN IN THE CITY
Two Amishmen got lost in New York City and found themselves somewhere in the slums. As night was approaching it became necessary to find a room. They accidently went to a flop house of the worst kind. It was really a flea bitten place. After making arrangements to stay for the night with the clerk they went to this miserable looking room which had only one broken down bed. "How does this look as a whole to you," the room clerk said. "Ya," said the one Dutchman, "it makes a good hole, but net so gute a bett room."
SHE HAD SOME NERVE
Said one Dutchman to another, "Say, I just saw Hilda going downtown with her evening dress under her arm." "Ach Du Gott," the other man said. "I knew she was poor, but not that poor."
GETTING A KICK OUT OF LIFE
The city slicker told the old farmer about his daughter. I 'Say, I really got a kick out of kissing your daughter last night." "Ya," he said, "And she fresses like a horse too!"
ALMOST
A Middle aged Dutch woman was very proud of her son who had managed to get to a big upstate College on a football scholarship. When she finally saved enough money to visit her son - who by the way was very stupid - she managed to corner him at the campus snack bar and asked him how he made out in the final exams. "Well," he said, "I didn't pass my exams, Mom, but I did manage to get to the top of the list of those that flunked!"
TOO MANY DEPENDENTS
An old Amishman was once asked how many dependents he had. Not knowing just what the man meant he began to list what he was dependent on. "Well-I depend on rain, fertilizer, manure, etc.
ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH
Like most of us, many a little Dutch boy has been told that honesty is the best policy. So one day after a little Dutchman had taken an ax and cut down his father's favorite tree just for spite, he decided to fess up and tell the truth. "Pop, I cannot tell a lie, just fer spite, I cut down that favorite tree of yours." "Remember you told me if I don't tell a lie, you said you wouldn't thrash me none. "Ya I remember," he said, "so I won't thrash ya because you cut down the tree, I'll thrash ya just fer spite."
YOUR FACE IS KILLING ME
A wise cracking tourist came through the Pa. Dutch Country one day and remarked to an old Amishman he saw. "f I were you, I'd do something about that beard you're wearing, it looks like it belongs to a dead man." The Dutchman retorted "well -it may be so, but it ertainly certainly won't hurt me as much as that face you're wearing!"
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MAY BE EATING
After taking all the ribbing he could stand about the strange clothes he was wearing, the Amishman decided to get back at the smart restaurant owner who would not stop teasing him. When a different customer came into the eating place, the Amishman pulled
him over to the side, "I wouldn't eat in this place if I were you, everything they have to eat is dead."
TOBACCO AND THE DEVIL
The country parson used to preach against the sin of smoking at least once a month and admonished his councilmen never to be caught smoking. On one of his regular visits to his congregation he accidently stopped where one of his deacons was smoking out in his barn. When the parson saw his deacon smoking he started to tell him all about the devil and his sinfulness. "Hold on there now, Reverend," the deacon said, "didn't you tell us that this here tobacco was the devil's own weed and that our children and young folks ought notto smoke it?" "Why, yes, that's the Truth, it is," said the parson. I 'Well -you see parson I'm just smoking this stuff up so that those young people won't be tempted with it."
MORE SHAMOKIN TOBACCO
We have a town in Pa. called Shamokin, Pa. Once a man went there to spend a few days with his friends. He was rather witty and often pulled off a joke or two. He went into one of the local stores and showed off a little bit by telling the clerks some of his cute stories and pulling tricks on them. After enough of this nonsense, the clerks got sick and tired of his bragging and story telling and tried to avoid him. After he finally caught on, he decided to leave but wanted to buy a cigar. "Say," he said, "do you have any cigars here?" "No," said the clerk, "we only have SHAMOKIN TOBACCO."
SOMETHIN TO THINK ABOUT
You must read this aloud to enjoy it.
How a Dutchman uses the alphabet to have some good fun.
A fer 'orses
B fer mutton
C fer yourself
D fer dumb
E fer Adam
F fer verse
G fer creepers
H fer beauty (age before beauty)
I fer Tower
J fer fountain pen
K fer ancis
L fer nymph
M fer sis
N fer life
O fer there
P fer pleasures
Q fer your lines
R fer pint
S fer fun
T fer two
U fer me
V fer I'amour
W fer P.A.
X fer breakfast
Y fer child
Z fer breezes
RAIN
A typical conversation between Dutchmen about the rain. "Do you think the rain will keep up?" "Not if it makes down so.
HERE IS A STORY THAT WILL TRY YOUR PATIENCE
"THE CUSH MAKER"
A DUTCHMAN WITH A DESIRE TO WASTE AS MUCH TIME AS HE COULD IN THE NAVY DURING THE WAR convinced his commanding officer that he had invented a new device that could change a man's nature. As a matter of fact he said; It was guaranteed to make the Admiral see red. Not aware of the intentions of the Dutchman the officer agreed to give him time off to experiment. After about one full month of goofing off and doing nothing, the officer decided that sufficient time had gone by and that the new device should be ready. He therefore called all the officers and men together to see the new Cush maker our Dutchman had designed. "You must see it to believe it," he said. So he took a little piece of metal and heated it with a blow torch until it was white hot. The admiral was asked to watch what happened when he dropped the metal overboard into the sea. The Admiral expecting to really see something happen leaned over the ship's rail and watched. There was tense silence as the Dutchman tossed the hot metal into the sea. When it struck the water it went straight to the bottom and made a sound like this "Cush'(say it out loud) C U S H.Needless to say, it changed the commander's nature, made the Admiral see red and made all the men laugh. Later in the Brig the Dutchman kept babbling: "I really am a good CUSH Maker."
Here are some good Pennsylvania Dutch Proverbs.
When our Dutch children have nothing better to do they play Proverbs games. These can be used in many ways. They can be dramatized, used for shouting or singing proverb games, or for getting partners (write a proverb on a slip, cut it in two, each person looks for the other half of the proverb).
1. out of sight, out of mind.
2. Silence is golden.
3. One good turn deserves another.
4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
5. All that glitters is not gold.
6. The early bird catches the worm.
7. All's fair in love and war.
8. Birds of a feather flock together.
9. He laughs best who laughs last.
10. You can't have your cake and eat it, too.
11. It takes two to make a quarrel.
12. People who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones.
13. Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone. (Or snore and you sleep alone.)
14. Two wrongs don't make a right.
15. It's what you do with what you've got that counts.
16. A stitch in time saves nine.
17. A barking dog never bites.
18. A fool and his money are soon parted.
19. Every cloud has a silver lining.
20. You are known by the company you keep.
21. It takes a thief to catch a thief.
22. All good things must come to an end.
23. A penny saved is a penny earned.
24. Like father, like son.
25. Honesty is the best policy.
26. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
27. Faint heart never won fair lady.
28. The Lord helps those who help themselves.
29. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
30. Better late than never.
31. A watched pot never boils.
32. The hit dog always hollers.
33. It never rains, but that it pours.
34. A rolling stone gathers no moss.
35. Where there's a will, there a way.
36. Rome wasn't built in a day.
37. You can lead a horse to water you can't make him drink.
38. Handsome is as handsome does.
39. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
40. Forewarned is forearmed.
41. Brevity is the soul of wit.
42. Curiosity killed the cat.
43. An empty wagon makes the most noise.
44. Health is better than wealth.
45. A friend in need is a friend indeed.
46. He who dances must pay the fiddler.
47. There are two sides to every question.
48. Variety is the spice of life.
49. Necessity is the mother of invention.
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